I N T R O - Coach Mel's Journey
Welcome to my blog site! I am very happy to have you here!
You are here for a reason, from whether it be a love of cooking or an interest in health and fitness!
So to start things off I thought I’d provide some background as to how I have come to this point. This story is very personal to me and not many, actually if anyone, knows the full details. But I feel it would only make sense to share this pivotal period of my life.
*Trigger warning - this post details disordered eating behaviours. Please read on at your discretion.
I had the best childhood. I have been very loved and supported my whole life. As a kid I was never very invested in sport, however I did play netball and always enjoyed running where I was very competitive when it came to cross country!
Early high school I quit netball, my activity levels decreased and I became very sedentary. It was year 8 where I really, really started to develop a negative relationship with my body image.
I felt so uncomfortable in my body, I hated what I saw in the mirror, I didn’t feel good in any of my clothes, and I felt pretty worthless.
I wanted change and I wanted it fast.
I jumped back on the cardio bandwagon and started pounding the pavement every morning because I thought that was the best way to lose weight. I really fell in love with the motion of running. I enjoyed it, my fitness was improving, but my eating behaviours only got worse.
I was lucky enough to be given wholesome meals by my parents, however I just wasn’t nourishing myself very well in between. From Pepsi max, Nutella and all the sweet things kids love.
At the end of 2013, when I was 15 years old, I was the heaviest I’d ever been for MY build and body shape of 154cm at 56 kg. I’d hit rock bottom with my body image.
Come New Years Eve I pledged I was done with feeling this way. Of feeling out of control with my current eating habits and feeling uncomfortable in my body.
So come January 1st of 2014 I adopted an ‘all or nothing’ approach. I ran everyday, I weighed myself everyday, I cut all sugar and processed food from my diet and refused anything that I didn’t consider healthy. My willpower was steel because I wanted to be skinny so badly.
I discovered a new sport, Muay Thai kick boxing, and fell in love with training. I was regularly training 2 x per week with morning runs.
After a year I was feeling better as my weight had dropped. But it wasn’t good enough. I decided to lose this weight I needed to restrict my food more.
2015 I went downhill.
At first my goal weight was 50kg. I got there, I wasn’t skinny enough. My new goal became 47kg. I got there too, I still wasn’t good enough. My goal then became 45 kg. I got there too and it still didn’t make me happy.
Every upwards fluctuation on the scale would make me miserable for the day. I woke up excited to weigh myself every morning to see the results of my ‘hard work’ aka: resisting food for the previous day. I assessed my whole self worth based on my gravitational pull to the earth.
At this point I hadn’t eaten any food at school for 3 months. I ate a small breakfast in the morning so I could at least function, and then I ate dinner in the evening to hide my restrictive behaviour from my family. I lived by very particular, obsessive food rules just to feel some sense of control in my life. I stopped kick boxing as I had no energy. I was so miserable.
I was constantly battling the fact that I knew what I was doing to myself wasn’t right, I knew in my heart it wasn’t good for me, but I was in such a bad place with my body image and self esteem that I literally felt like I didn’t have another choice.
I was in a terrible place, and then things got worse.
There was a life-threatening diagnosis within my immediate family. At 16 years old, I was faced with the concept of mortality for the first time. Watching someone close to me rapidly deteriorate taught me the real meaning of having quality of life. It was one factor that contributed to my wake up call of realising the importance to look after the one body we are ever going to have.
The other factor was a close friend who was also going through issues similar to me and it really pained me to see her so miserable and struggling. While sitting down planning strategies to help her, I realised most of the things I had written down I wasn’t even doing for myself. Things like:
Eating at least three meals a day
Eating nutritious, healthy food
Getting enough sleep
Exercising
Drinking enough water
This is why the phrase “talk to yourself like you would to your best friend” resonates with me so deeply today, because I thought it was okay to deprive and harm myself but it would never be something I’d wish on my best friend. I knew this is what my friend needed to be healthy and feel better, and they weren’t even things I was doing for myself.
In that moment I felt so tired. So tired of fighting this silent battle in my head every single day.
I allowed myself to recover. To start eating again, to feel full, to feel energetic, to feel alive again. My family member was recovering also. They were going to survive.
Year 11 (2016) presented new challenges for me. I was eating an adequate amount to give me enough energy to get through the day. I was running and attending kick boxing regularly.
However I felt lost with no direction.
I had just started VCE, the year where you start preparing to go out in the world. Yet I had no idea what I wanted to be or what my purpose was in this world.
I thought about becoming a Personal Trainer briefly, since I did enjoy fitness, however I dropped the idea quickly when I was told by teaching staff at a careers meeting that “there’s no jobs in that.” So I moved onto the next idea, but nothing felt right.
Studying journalism was always my fall back plan. I was a very strong English student, I had a knack for creative writing. But I just could never “see” myself in that field.
I struggled with motivation to study and was always filled with this anxious feeling, like the one you have when you’re about to step on stage to do a speech, but everything around me was okay. I had this uneasiness about having no direction.
Then suddenly it clicked for me. My relationship with food and my body had improved, but was fragile. I was eating food however I was still confused by it. I thought having a body I felt confident in was some impossible thing I was never going to achieve.
If I studied food and became a nutritionist, I would never fear it again. I could fix my own issues and furthermore help others get out of this painful headspace.
Year 12 was a completely different mood. I had chosen the Bachelor of Food & Nutrition Science as Deakin, I knew what ATAR score I needed, I had a goal and I had tunnel vision.
I also picked up weights for the first time. This is where my body image turned around.
I realised how empowering it was to feel stronger and to be able to build my shape. No longer was being skinny and frail my goal.
After year 12 I walked into a gym for the first time and took my weight training to a whole other level. I started studying my passion and experimenting in the kitchen.
I stopped weighing myself because I realised it didn’t dictate my worth. I stopped fighting against my body shape of wanting to be lean with a thigh gap and embraced my curvier lower body by working with it.
I realised I didn’t have to deprive myself from all the desserts I loved in life. I started using wholesome ingredients to recreate healthier versions of my favourite treats. I knew I could still indulge but without the guilt as it would nourish me at the same time.
My Instagram account turned from an occasional weekend pic to a plethora of my recipes and wellness content. There have been countless times where I have considered giving up on it, on the grounds that “it’s pointless”, “no one cares”, “I’ll find it embarrassing in a few years time.” But my passion for health and wellness quells those doubts every time.
I’ve created this space to share my passion in order to provide hope that it is possible to find peace within your mind, and also as a resource to help others find a healthy balance and to build a body that you are not only comfortable in, but confident in. It is an incredibly individualised process that needs to be perfectly tailored to you and I’d be honoured to be a part of that process!
The journey to becoming your best self is the most important one you can undertake.
